Nothingness..

Today I find myself feeling completely numb inside.  I don't know how to feel.  There is a part of me that is sad.  Just so sad.  Like sad so deep inside me that I can't find the beginning or the end of it.  At the same time I am angry!!  I am like an ember that is waiting to for a just the tiniest bit of fuel, and then I know I will explode into a flaming fire of heat and destruction.  I'm also just worn out from the feelings of frustration, resentment that I can't bring myself to feel anything at all.

I wish that I could explain the cause of this mood today, however, to do so 

would bring pain and heartache to many others.  So despite my own feelings,  I can't knowingly hurt those who have brought me to this state.  I also know that I am not blameless.  For whenever, there is an issue between people; there are always more than one person to blame.  I know that I have contributed to this rift I feel.  I just don't know what to do about it.

I went to church today feeling lousy.  Normally going to church and singing hymns will bring me peace and joy.  Today, however, I felt nothing.  ABSOLUTELY nothing!!!

I usually like to talk about my problems, but not today.  I just can't.  I just want nothingness.  (Is that even a word?)  I just want to sit.  Sit in silence.  I just want to feel...nothing.

In nothingness, I won't feel sad or hurt or angry or guilty or ashamed.  In nothingness, there isn't anyone to remind me of all my shortcomings.  In nothingness, I don't have to keep trying to be something I'm not.  In nothingness, I don't have to keep trying to live up to someone else's perfect version of myself.  In nothingness, I won't let anyone down...AGAIN.  In nothingness, I won't say or do the wrong thing.  

Hopefully this will pass, but until then...